Dear Too Sexy,

I am writing to draw attention to a little-publicized but rampant problem in the world today. Daily, millions are denied that which is right, and left to suffer on their own because of this plague that has befallen our civilization. Left unchecked, it could lead to an uncontrolled decline in population and, at worst, the end of our race.

I am writing, of course, about dildos. For generations now, women have been circumventing the natural order of the world by using these “scabs” of the phallic world instead of finding a warm-blooded male to meet their needs. What’s more, these perverse contraptions provide an unnatural experience that no male can hope to simulate, including endless readiness, ridiculous dimensions, pocket handiness, and impossible vibrations and/or contortions. Such abnormal stimulation is a detriment to men everywhere as well as our race as a whole. The desires that women aim to indulge with their plastic monstrosities are meant to and should be filled by men.

I hope you will join me, Too Sexy, in boycotting and actively protesting dildos while campaigning for their replacement with their proper flesh-and-blood counterparts. This madness must end.
—Concerned Over Cock Karma

Dear COCK,

Thanks for your letter. COCK, we hate to break it to you, but you’re a dick. Also a pussy and an asshole. And although we’re generally in favour of all three of those things, we don’t mean to compliment you.

Dildos offer many wonderful dimensions and sensations. Although that may make you feel emasculated and useless, that’s entirely your own issue. Finding dildos threatening is tantamount to finding masturbation threatening, and that, COCK, is an issue indeed. Masturbation and sex aren’t equivalent. People masturbate when they want to get off alone, whether that be due to exploratory urges or a simple need to cum before True Blood finishes downloading. People have sex when they want to connect with another person, if only for a short time. Unless you’re absolutely incapable of having decent sex—so much so that you’d make people feel that they would be better off alone—you’ve nothing to fear from a mere dildo, regardless of how high on the Richter Scale it can jiggle.

See, COCK, the search for prospective sexual partners is propelled by several things. Among these things is attraction to physical features like eyes, style, the XXX factor, intellectual engagement, compatible values, entertaining conversation, and being able to performing a rocking “Total Eclipse of the Heart” on karaoke night. People tend to have these things. Dildos do not. Dildos don’t tell jokes. Dildos don’t have political opinions. Dildos don’t meet up with you after class to screw in the private SUB bathroom. I know it may be hard to believe COCK, but even you have more personality than the most high-tech frick stick. So don’t worry about how many phoenix feathers you’ve got in your wand, just let the magic flow.

If you’re still feel like you can’t beat ‘em, we recommend joining the cyborg revolution and buying yourself a vibrating cock ring. Your prospective partners may find your robocock slightly more seismic when you’re exploring their fault lines. You know what we mean.

Finally, as much as it may come as a huge shock to you, COCK, not all women want to have “real” sex with your “proper” warm-blooded doucheself. Women whose sole sexual attraction is to other women still sometimes desire penetration, and for this they use—guess what?—dildos and vibrators, as well as a plethora of other sex toys. They aren’t “replacing” the cock, COCK. They aren’t compensating for the lack of, or actively edging out, prospective male mates. They simply have no inclination to pursue you and your undoubtedly awesome man meat.

Also, in pre-orgasmic or sexually-fearful women, self-initiated experience with fingers and toys can familiarize them with the sensation progression of their own orgasm, making them more receptive to the advances of others, and healthier sexually overall. You see COCK? Dildos aren’t always “scabs.” Sometimes they’re just laying infrastructure—so that you can go back to work.

If we’ve failed to convince you, don’t fret, COCK. Fortunately for you, you’re not alone in your hate-on for dildos. Until recently, dildos and other sex toys were illegal and branded obscene in the state of Texas. In February of ‘08, Texan lawmakers argued that dildos should remain outlawed as to “discourag[e] prurient interests in autonomous sex and the pursuit of sexual gratification unrelated to procreation.” Congratulations, COCK! You’re not the only one who thinks “autonomous sex” is a bad idea! After all, if God wanted orgasms to be for anything other than procreation, then he’d have made them all fun and whatnot—right?

That’s a wrap, folks. Send your inebriated epistles to toosexy@ubyssey.ca. We promise to be nicer to you than we were to this COCK.